I'm starting to get rather nervous about our upcoming adventure.
Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to losing Tomas along the way, but I'm still nervous (now that I think of it, it's kinda like Mom and Dad always trying to get people who came to visit to take a cat with them, and when people refused saying, "You only have to take him half way!" I'm so just taking him out there and leaving him!).
I'm not afraid I'm going to die or anything.
Or maybe I kind of am, but not in a big way. Just in the 'All surgery carries with it inherent risk,' disclaimery kind of way.
(Now my Dad is totally freaking out because I said the 'd' word. Sorry Dad. I promise I won't die. I won't. Really. It's just the disclaimery kind of fear, the flukey kind. You understand, right Dad? )
Ok then.
Where was I? Oh yes... I'm nervous. Becuase I'm going all the way across the country to have kind of a big surgery (although it should only take a few hours... and I could be discharged in just a day or two.... Isn't that amazing?!) But there are all these details to work out and it's so far away and I worry about all kinds of stupid details like where to park.
(Good news--we probably won't have to worry about that one... Just like.... how to navigate using the Metro and Taxis more likely. So that's something, right?)
I'm a Navy Wife so I'm plenty accustomed to 'hurry up and wait,' but it's been... 7 months y'all. 7 months that this has been there just hanging out. And we've talked about it and theorized about how to get rid of it, and now I'm sitting with just over a month left before all that theory becomes reality. Now that's a shift for my paraganglioma AND Paradigm.
Plus, Tomas is growing. My wonderful and amazing doctor who delivered Alaine confirmed it at my 6 week check up. Tomas is fatter. I joined Weight Watchers for the New Year, but I doubt it'll help him any. That's disconcerting. All this time has passed and letting tumors just sit for a long time isn't usually common practice for a reason. He's bigger.
That's disconcerting.
And I'm worried about what we might learn--do I have a genetic mutation? If I do, what does that mean for me? What does that mean for my girls? What does that mean for their kids?
We've got multi-generational worrying going on here people. Seriously.
So... in the face of all the nervy-nervousness, let's offset it a bit. Let's find some fun. What can I look forward to in all this?
1) This is the closest Andrew and I've come to a 'getaway' since our honeymoon. At 7.5 years of marriage I'd say we're overdue. And it *is* for Valentine's Day after all! Sure the scenery will be sterile medical equipment and high-tech imaging machines instead of palm-trees, but we'll make the best of it. Lainey will too.
2) A Plane ride with JUST an infant AND a husband to help will likely feel down-right luxurious.
3) This will be the perfect opportunity for me to really get a lot of use out of the Kindle Andrew got me for Christmas. As long as I don't break it. Again.
4) Potential Sightseeing. I'm sure between bloodtests, and scans, and surgeries there'll be plenty of time for me to tool around. No really. We might at least have a weekend that's relatively free and we just might go see some fun things.
5) I might get to see some wonderful folks from that part of the country! THAT would be fun.
6) I'll get to take a break from the aforementioned Weight Watchers plan during my testing week. Because I'm NOT counting points during the days that I'm not allowed to eat chocolate, or anything containing vanilla, or anything spicey, or any fruit, or anything that tastes remotely better than cardboard. And I'll be doing a few fasting-required tests too. So... see! No points-counting!
7) After all those tests that require me to stand on my head before ingesting anything that might potentially taste good, being able to eat normally again will feel fantastic!
8) Hospital food. The grub at UW was tastey, we'll see what NIH's culinary specialists have to offer (correction: the food at UW was great as long as you were admitted, that is. The discrepencey between the actual patient food and the everyone else food at UW should really be it's own blogpost. And now I'm out in the outer-Mongolia regions of off-topic again, aren't I? this happens when I get nervous).
9) I'll finally get to meet the amazing people who have been taking care of me from afar.
10) I might get to meet other people with tumors as weird as (or weirder even!) mine!
11) Sympathy points on the plane-ride. Not only traveling with an infant, but ALSO traveling to and from a major medical procedure! Maybe I'll get extra peanuts from the flight attendants!!!
12) ANDY will have to get up with the baby in the middle of the night. Especially on the days I'm pumping and dumping. This might actually be a time for me to catch up on some rest.
13) A new experience in which to trust God. This should be #1. It is. Just pretend I put it there to begin with.
14) I'll get to see my folks, and they'll finally get to meet Lainey before we fly out and after we get back. This should be #2. Pretend again.
15) This'll be a great excuse to watch my favorite TV shows on DVD. West Wing, Vicar of Dibley, Bones, The Big Bang. Oh yes. There will be marathoning of great shows.
16) Having stitches in my neck will break me of touching my lumpy spot. Which will be better for my skin in that area.
17) Soon the lump will be gone.
18) I'll get a cool scar. I can perhaps impress small children with it. They like cool scars.
19) Lots of new people to show Alaine off to. Oh she will be the belle of the ball.
20) And let's not forget people--it'll be GREAT blog-fodder.
21) I almost forgot--as mentioned above--likely no worries about where to park!
Alright, alright. See there are plenty of silver-linings and plenty of lemonade. There might even be plenty of silver-lined lemonade, but I might be a little suspicious of drinking it...
And there is, as always, so much to be grateful for. I'm doing my best to choose to see the miracles here.
But even so, the reality is I have moments... and sometimes half-hours when I'm scared, when I'm nervous. I guess I shouldn't project into it so much, but it's just kind of a big thing coming up with a lot of variables. It will all work out fine. I'll be fine. God has it all under control. Whether I end up fine or not that's true, really.
But still. I'm a little nervy nervous and sometimes afraid of the dark even with all I have to look forward to.
