Tumah Diva

It's not really an update per se, but I thought I'd plop down a post about how Tomas and I are getting along. I gotta tell you, sometimes he's a pain in the neck.

Ok, well... For all intents and purposes the tumor is 'painless,' though, I do have some tenderness in that area and I am hyper-aware of Tomas's presence. Maybe it's psychosomatic at this point, but when I turn my head or even really think about that part of my body I'm aware that there's a 'thing' there. Other than that I don't really have 'symptoms,' for which I am extremely grateful. Other tumors of this type (paragangliomas) can sometimes have some symptoms that are scary.

My emotions have been quite a roller-coaster from the get go. I'm starting to find a bit more of an even keel at this point, but I still have my moments. I've run the full gamut of feelings and a select number of individuals have been privy to some of those.

I have never been a fan of 'keeping things in perspective.' I don't like playing the 'it could be so much worse, so why should I feel bad?' game. I always figure that it's only going to make me feel worse to think about someone who is worse off than me. You know.... that pesky empathy thing. So I try to remember that my trouble is my own, and as a wise friend once reminded me 'the greatest pain you'll ever feel is your own.' In addition, I have a pretty good scope of perspective anyway since in the middle of my first pregnancy I got the news that my Mom had terminal cancer. There are plenty of things that this could have been that would have been much worse. As far as bad stuff going on in the body goes, my heart has gone on enough journeys with enough people I love to recognize what a blessing it is that this thing is treatable.

All that being said, I cannot escape the fact that *I* have a rare tumor in my body--and, y'know, the Carotid Artery is kind of a delicate and important part of the body. I can't forget for very long that the thing I feel in my neck will eventually be removed during a fairly delicate surgical procedure, and that said procedure will occur not long after I have a baby. I am reminded fairly frequently that this thing is rare and that the pathways to get my questions answered are limited (and we all know I ask a lot of questions). Plus, it kind of makes my head spin that suddenly I'm the girl who has to go to the super specialists. I thought only people on Lifetime movies needed doctors like that.

And for crying out loud, folks, I am a pregnant woman. People generally give preggos a break for crying during Hallmark commercials, so I try to give myself a little grace in the face of dealing with emotional outbursts having to do with a Carotid Body Tumor!

I've worried this weekend that I'm being a diva about it all. I hope that people don't think I'm over here going, "Look at me! Look at me! I'm pregnant and have a paraganglioma! Give me attention!" No. A tumor diva is the last thing that I want to be. As a person who has learned that I weather emotions better when I make it a point to verbally process them somewhere, I do try to do that with the people that I know will love me no matter what. And, if I'm asked for an update or talking with someone that I don't talk to often, I find it hard to be succinct in my explanations.... Maybe that makes me seem self-pitying or self-important... I don't know. I also know that since nothing too dramatic is going to happen on the tumor front until after baby is born it will just seem to most people--even those that know the whole story--that I'm a normal pregnant woman going through a normal pregnancy. I feel like I'm expected to see things that way too. To 'just focus on the baby in the meantime.' And I do try to. I do.

And speaking of pregnancy--I read weekly about the progress going on in my womb on various pregnancy websites and they all have message boards where women talk about their heartburn and hemorrhoids and how fat they feel and I always feel slightly tempted to write a post and say, "Yeah I hear you on the heartburn.... And this whole Carotid Body Tumor thing is kind of a kick too! Anybody else had any experience with one of those during pregnancy?!" just to see what kind of a response I get.

Ok. So I guess that would be me going "I have a tumor, Look at Me! Look at Me!" right?

The point is, I try not to think about it constantly. I try not to make the whole world about my tumor. (Although I will admit to saying things to Andy on occasion like, "Honey... could you get me a glass of water... The kitchen is so far away and I do have a tumor after all...." ;)). I try not to dominate conversations with it. I try not to be all, 'Me, Me, Me.' I WANT my world to be about my sweet little girl and her two equally sweet big sisters too. God is my ultimate focus and He is bringing me through this. And... I'm a girl who loves deeply and feels deeply for others and I want to be intimately involved in the joys and concerns of my friends and family too.

All that said, it doesn't go away for me. And it won't go away for a while. Depending on what we learn about my genes it may be something that we deal with on down the line too.

So I slog through and remind myself that, "It IS a Tumah, But it's not all about the Tumah!" Past that I don't know what to do. But I promise I'll try not to be a Tumah Diva.