Ding Dong Tomas Is Gone

Tomas is gone!  He's gone!!! 

In his place is an incision a little over an inch long and some steri-strips and well...  a little bit of pain.  But that will pass.

What to write about the experience?  I don't even know.  I found out the night before the procedure that I had a UTI and was put on another antibiotic (After the one the week before following the ear drum rupture).  That wigged me out, but didn't end up being such a big deal once we found an antibiotic that was breast-feeding compatible and that I wasn't allergic to.

The same nurse who checked me in checked me out and she was a trip.  She kind of had a "It's not like I'm your NURSE or anything--Do it yourself!" attitude.  I seriously think she meant to be warm and nurturing, but it just didn't quite work for her.  Luckily, she was with me for the parts of the experience that I felt the  best and most independent for and it worked out.  That meant she made me laugh instead of making me cry.

My three nurses the day of the surgery were absolutely awesome and amazing.  One of them, Wilma, became my hero when she told me about all the conflicting and confusing messages she was given by medical professionals when she went through breast cancer with a new baby.  She so got it in a way that most people can't and she took SUCH good care of me.  I needed a little mothering that day and permission to take it slow and easy and she gave me both.  I am certain that God arranged it so that I would have her on my team at just that moment.

The surgery was successful and I'm recovering extremely well which makes me feel like it's strange to tell you that a lot of it felt just really traumatic.  They were much more restrictive about Andy and Alaine being with me than I expected and that was hard.  We did make that work in the end and skipping ICU and going straight to my regular room AND being released super early made that part of it more manageable.  NIH is super conservative about breastfeeding mothers and that was hard.  Coming out of anesthesia was hard.  I felt like I was trapped in a sea of kelp and as romantic and Sea Ottery as that sounds I found it all just scary and painful and nausea-inducing.  Thank God THAT was temporary.

My voice is raspy and gravelly and I have to work to get my words out.  I want to be cooey and silly with my baby, and I sound like a scary halloween voice-over.  I'm favoring the right side of my neck so I kind off walk with a crooked face and hunched back and I know I look like a deranged woman.  The duet of raspy scary voice and crooked headedness I'm quite certain makes me scary to young children.

To check my nerve function and to make sure I wasn't having a stroke I got to do a lot of silly things.  I've never stuck my tongue out at so many different doctors so many different times.  And I'm happy to report that I still have the famous Val shoulder shrug going on. 

My amazing, amazing surgeon and I had more embarrassing moments.  Every time the man walked in the room I was in some form of undress.  The first time he came in I was pumping milk.  He came in to check on me and I think to do rounds as a couple other docs were with him.  He opened the door and there I sat milking myself like I was Bessy the Cow.  All I could think to do was whimper, "Please, please come back later!"  And he graciously complied.  Then all I could think about the rest of the day was how I'd yelled at my world-class surgeon.  I finally got to talk to him yesterday fully clothed--though I was just finishing nursing that time even.  Regardless he did an amazing job and is an amazing doctor.  I can't overstate that.  My incision is small.  I don't even have stitches--just steri-strips.  My pain is minimal and, for the most part, my nerve function seems to be good. 

Dr. Pacak called me today here in the lodge since he'd missed me at the hospital.  HE is a delight as well.  I just can't talk to him and not feel cared about.

So I'm on the other side.  Tomas is gone.  I'm recovering well.  I feel confident and strong a good part of the time.  I'm finding recovery to be frustrating though as I'll feel so good one moment and so awful the next.  Emotionally I go from feeling relieved and happy to just wanting to bawl.  I think the enormity of it all is finally hitting and for the first time I really just feel broken. 

We'll come back for follow-up in six weeks.  Just a quick trip then.  Genetic testing results won't be back until at least then and that's the piece of the puzzle that we really need.  I really think I'm probably dealing with a genetic mutation.  Maybe not, but I just have a feeling.  Anyway...   we'll deal with that when it's not just conjecture I guess.

For now I'm just going to keep recovering and celebrate that Tomas has left the building (well...  he's still over in the NIH clinical center being divied up and studied for research purposes, but I'm done with him at least!). 

Oh and I got my cool Lab Rat T-shirt.  :)